Five Things To Do Before The Nuclear War Breaks Out

Jena Greene | Reporter

Judging by the way things are going now, it’s not looking good for anybody except maybe cockroaches.

So we’ve compiled a list of five things you should do before the nuclear war breaks out. May the odds ever be in your favor.

1 – Get All The Expensive Dark Liquor And Expensive Cigarettes.

Kim Jong Un is believed to enjoy a stiff, dark drink or two (who doesn’t) and designer cigarettes. The North Korean dictator, who’s only 32, pretty much binge drinks and chain-smokes everywhere he goes. If you’re going to survive the nuclear war, you’re not going to want to be sober. Grab yourself a few dozen bottles before the dictator raids homes everywhere for the best Henny.

2 – Get All 7 Rocky Movies.

Trust us. You’ll need these. Not only do they tell the story of survival and man overcoming all odds, they’re also Kim Jong Un’s favorites. He even attends concerts covering Rocky’s theme song. If nuclear war happens, this series is a great guide on how to prepare. Plus with with all 7 Rocky flicks in your possession, guess who’s gonna be cool with the enemy?

3 –  Bet On The Chicago Bulls. Hammer. The. Over.

It’s no secret that Kim Jong Un loves the Bulls. This summer he even had former Bulls power forward Dennis Rodman over and set up a basketball camp for North Korean kids.

If there’s one thing you can be sure of during this nuclear war, it’s the Chicago Bulls. They’re American, so if we win the war they’re sure to be safe. But if North Korea comes knocking, there’s a solid chance they’ll become the Pyongyang Bulls and never lose a game again. Bonus: buy yourself a basketball and pick up some skills. It’ll double as a Wilson from Cast Away. We all need a friend during this time.

4 – Twinkies.

If you want any hope of surviving this thing, you’re gonna need some sustenance. Twinkies are the most obvious solution. With an impossibly long shelf life (these spongecakes are loaded with preservatives, all the better to persevere yourself) and an indulgent creamy center, you’ll be living large on these things for a very long time.

5 – Buy Some Battery Operated Hair Clippers.

Just because you might be living like Chuck Noland in Cast Away doesn’t mean you need to look like him. This is 2017. Whether you’re a North Korean dictator or a metrosexual microbrewer in Brooklyn, you’ll need to blend in with your surroundings. Might as well rock some thick rimmed glasses while you’re at it. Regardless of who wins this war, we’re all gonna be looking like this:


Jena Greene



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