Everything Will Be Okay In America Once Football Returns
America might be in a little bit of trouble in the current moment, but everything will be fine once football returns.
I was sitting at my computer going through my work as usual — much like a quarterback going through his progressions — and I was discussing some of the outrage in America, when a coworker suggested football could cure all of our current problems.
I knew my coworker was right after one second of contemplating her comment. So, I decided to steal her idea and expand on how America needs football so everybody can just shut up and focus on something cool.
After a quick trip to the liquor store, because you can’t write about football without drinking a beer, I was ready to explain why America needs football more than ever.
Is there anything people look forward to more in America than football season returning? The answer is absolutely not. We’re only eight days from college football and 21 days until the NFL returns. Football brings people of different races, backgrounds, religions and all different kinds of demographics together.
The same can be said about football fans. I’ve spent a lot of time inside football stadiums, and I can tell you that when I look around I see all different kids of people. What do they have in common? They’re drunk and they want to see touchdowns.
That’s what America is all about. Football is a release for a few hours from the outside world.
Football is about tailgates, cold beers, burgers, brats, hot cheerleaders, even sexier women in skimpy game day outfits, play-action offensive packages, nonstop blitzing from the edge, sold out stadiums, quarterback sacks, touchdowns, hitting up the bars, the highest of highs when it comes to emotions and the lowest of lows when it comes to emotions.
There are people I drink with during games that I wouldn’t ever seek out other than a football game, and there are women who I can can drunkenly convince into spending time with me during football games as I spit Wisconsin football knowledge, who otherwise would be mesmerized by the Hookstead magic.
Right now, America is like a pesky child with too much time on his hands and nothing to focus on. That kid will eventually find trouble. Once we get football back we’ll be united and focused.
Don’t worry America. We’ve almost made it. Together we can make it through the next eight days and then everything will be okay.
P.S.: shoutout to me for admitting I stole this idea from a coworker. That’s true bravery. Most people who steal ideas never have the courage to admit. Heroes like myself always keep it real.
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