Hookstead’s Friday Mailbag: Who Is The Ideal Woman?

David Hookstead | Reporter

We’ve got some great questions this week, so I won’t waste any of your time before we jump in.

Hi David,

I love your writings for The Daily Caller and The Smoke Room; I am thoroughly entertained by your humor and sarcasm (though you are a bit of a “horndog”! Lol).

As a (female) OSU Buckeyes and Pittsburgh Steelers fan, I have a ton of football-related questions. But my curiosity is most piqued by your ideal mate… Describe the (type of) woman that could steal your heart – “the one” who could tame David Hookstead’s wild heart!

Thanks, and have a great weekend!

D*****

Go Bucks! O-H!… 

Go Steelers!! 

(Go Badgers?)

Lots to dissect here. Obviously go Badgers, and congratulations on having one hell of a ball team at Ohio State this year. I look forward to meeting your guys in the Big Ten championship game.

Now lets get to the meat of the question. What does my perfect woman look like? Well, there’s a lot to break down here. I value intelligence and humor over everything else. Life is too short and way too many people take it to seriously. One of my goals with my writing is to make people laugh, or at the very least, take the world a little less seriously. I like the same thing in women. I’m always interested if they can make me laugh, challenge me to think outside of my world view and they don’t take themselves to seriously.

I also am attracted to women who are athletes. Being an athlete is generally a sign of having a competitive attitude and a certain level of aggression not found in others. At the very least they need to be in shape. I’m out of shape enough for the both of us.

Lastly, they have to have a general interest in sports. They don’t have to love sports, but they have to know something about them. I don’t expect them to have the Wisconsin Badgers depth chart at quarterback memorized, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt. I just can’t be with somebody who has a general disinterest in sports. It’ll never last. If she’s willing to get up on a Saturday morning before a college football game and start crushing beers then she’s good in my book.

First off Geaux Tigers. You answered my LSU question couple weeks back and although I’m very happy where we are I won’t jump the gun. I plan on talking a lot of smack in a few months. But anyway, a serious question. 

I’ve been boycotting the NFL for a few years now. Other than keeping up with LSU players (most players in league from one school btw) and their individual success I’ve purposely boycotted the league because of what I deem to be a very dangerous way of doing business. To play in the NFL it isn’t about if you help a team win games or not, but rather if you can get people to want to watch you win games or not.  

The problem stems from the constant need to grow revenue. First it was how to maximize every white viewer, which culminated with things like Limbaugh being hired by ESPN, the greater influence in early 2000s of talk radio and the player conduct policy and dress codes. Then came maxing out women viewers (pink campaign), Hispanic markets (Los cowboys, games in mexico), military partnership and branding and globalization of league and games. 

With that came a whole host of unintended consequences. Corporate ethos is you appeal to everyone, and thus you can’t OFFEND anyone. I stopped a few years ago when it became abundantly obvious the NFL doesn’t have the guts to draw a line and not not offend anyone. It’s evident in player conduct policy, celebrations, hiring and affirmative action policies, health protocol, so on and so forth. 

My question is would that be an accurate assessment of the NFL? If so where does it end and what if any are further unintended consequences? 

I think you’ve raised a few great points here. The main one is that the NFL and ESPN as a whole have sold out to the left wing. People who watch football are looking for something to do over the weekend, have a couple beers and relax. They’re not looking to be lectured about how the culture of the flyover states and the South aren’t the right way to live.

It’s a mind-boggling move because most of the football fans in America reside in the South and the Midwest. If the NFL and ESPN were smart they’d cater to those two demographics more than any other. Of course, they’re not doing that.

They’re catering to the pro-Kaepernick crowd. Here’s a reality check for everybody: most football fans do not support Kaepernick or what he represents. These are hard working people who are fiercely patriotic. They support the troops, the police and tend to have conservative values.

If ESPN and the NFL continue at this rate they’re going to lose a lot more fans before it’s all said and done. College football doesn’t play to left wing politics, and the sports isn’t seeing the same ratings hit as the NFL. That’s probably not a coincidence.

Dear, Doltish David Hookstead,

You averred last week that your evaluation that Big 10 is superior was proven to be true after four of its teams were ranked in top 10 after one game. Ohio State, its highest ranked team, was demolished at home five days later by Oklahoma of Big 12. Do you feel as imbecilic and inebriated as you should feel?

Well, I hate to tell you, but there are still four Big Ten teams in the AP Top 25 going into week three. Oklahoma is an outstanding team. For all we know at this point, the Sooners could be the best team in America.

Ohio State might have been the highest ranked team in the Big Ten going into that game, but that hardly means they’re the best team in the conference. Penn State, Michigan and Wisconsin have still all looked great this season. So, to answer your question, I don’t feel stupid at all. Oklahoma is almost certainly a playoff team. Ohio State will be too if they win out. Wisconsin, PSU and Michigan also all control their own destinies when it comes to making the playoff.

Can you think of another conference that has four legit playoff contenders? I sure as hell can’t. I stand by my statement the Big Ten is the best conference in America. I also still believe it’s not even close.

The SEC, PAC-12, Big 12 and ACC all only have two teams that can make the playoff. Again, the Big Ten has four. Like I said, it’s not even close.

Are the rumors true that you prefer drinking Appletinis to some ice cold Miller Lite?

Asking me this question is pretty much the same as questioning the size of my manhood. I’d rather be called a racist pedophile who hates America than a man who would prefer appletinis over some cold Miller Lite.

You know who probably prefers appletinis over some beer brewed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin? ISIS. The terrorists probably prefer it. Don’t ever step to me with an accusation of this magnitude again. My blood runs red, my beer is cold, my patriotism level is as high as it gets and I never drink appletinis.

Do you think Matthew Stafford is worth his massive $135 million contract?

I’ve already covered this a bit, and I absolutely think he’s worth every penny. The man inherited the worst team in NFL history, and has at the very least, made the Detroit Lions respectable. He got off to a slow start in week one against the Arizona Cardinals, who have a great secondary. However, he bounced back quickly and threw for four touchdowns.

Honestly, I would have been okay with even paying him a little more. The Lions would collapse if he went down. He has a winning mentality, he has the talent and I have no doubt he’s the guy to get the job done.

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David Hookstead

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