I Have Officially Applied To Be The Next Ole Miss Head Football Coach

David Hookstead | Contributor

I have officially submitted my application to be the next head football coach for the Ole Miss Rebels.

The Rebels have been getting kicked all over the field this year, and posted a job search for a new coach.

Well, I couldn’t see a job opening at a major football program and not apply. I fired up the computer and sent in my application and resume.

The application read as follows:

Gene DeFilippo,

I am officially applying to be the head football coach at the University of Mississippi.

I have over a dozen years of head coaching and coordinating experience when it comes to football in NCAA Football on PS3 and Madden. My accomplishments include dozens of Heisman winners, hundreds of players put into the NFL and at least 50 national titles.

Ole Miss fans expect excellence and I plan on giving it to them at all costs. The program is spiraling downward at an insane right, and any applicant who denies this fact is lying.

Here are my keys to turning around the program:

Never pay players or recruits*

Don’t recruit kids who own t-shirts that haven’t had the sleeves cut off.

Every recruit and player must be a country music fan.

Run power football on offense.

All players must have a hot girlfriend/hook up regularly with at least a seven.

These five things are easily instituted, and I firmly believe they are the quickest ways to turn the program around.

I have also never been accused of paying a woman for sex. I like my women like I like my parking: free of charge. I know that the program’s public image has come under scrutiny lately, and I can fix that.

We also all know excellence breeds excellence. That’s why I think it’s worth noting that my father played on arguably the greatest high school football team in Wisconsin history. Success when it comes to football is bred into my DNA.

Lots of people might ask why I’d want to coach in the SEC when I’m a Wisconsin guy. I can understand how this would make Ole Miss officials hesitant. Well, I don’t think I’m ready right now for a Big Ten job. So, I figure it’s best to cut my teeth in the SEC before I get to the big leagues.

I also have a soft spot in my heart for Southern women. It’s something about that accent I just can’t get over, and I think Oxford is a great place to dive into Southern women and culture.

You can either pay me to win football games for you, or you can continue to watch your program descend into absolute chaos. Gentlemen, that choice is up to you. I’d encourage you to have more wisdom than Bret Bielema.

Sincerely,

David Hookstead

*Absolutely willing to pay players to win championships. Anybody who wouldn’t is an idiot.

You can read my resume in the following tweet:

Now we sit and wait to find out how this journey will play out. I’m not sure the SEC is ready to handle my stuff.

OLE MISS FAN TAKES $900 UBER AFTER ENTERING WRONG ADDRESS:

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David Hookstead

Contributor

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