ESPN got even more negative press this week after its longtime president John Skipper announced he would be stepping down to deal with his substance abuse.
And while this is pretty unfortunate for everyone involved, ESPN needs to find a new president — and fast.
Luckily, I’ve devised a list of the top 10 contenders who could best lead ESPN further into the direction it’s headed.
(1) Justin Trudeau — Everyone in the world seems to love the liberal Canadian prime minister. ESPN is rapidly becoming a left wing political organization and their ratings are in the toilet. Trudeau could further radicalize the network and maybe help to drive its popularity up while he’s at it. Maybe Jemele Hill could be his COO.
(2) Brett Michaels — This is an obvious one. No disrespect to Brett Michaels. He’s an overall baller and ESPN would be lucky to have him.
(3) Rosie O’Donell – She’s been anti-Trump since day 1. Tried and true. ESPN would know exactly who they’re getting with good ol’ Rosie. They can’t go wrong here.
(4) Calliou — That literal kid on PBS.
REUTERS/Jeff Haynes
(5) Dennis Rodman — He’s the embodiment of sports and politics. If ESPN were a person it would be Dennis Rodman. Right down to that disgusting lip ring.
(6) Lena Dunham — Speaking of disgusting… People will forget just how bad ESPN is because they dislike its new president so much. You know what they say, if you can’t beat the competition, deliberately tank your own company so you can’t be blamed for failing.
(7) Mark Zuckerberg — Because let’s be honest, he’s not going to be the actual president in 2020. Let’s end it before he even gets started.
(8) Michael Moore — He’s already an expert in leftist propaganda. He practically invented it. And (bonus) he’s already dipping his toe in the sports world with his rabid support for Colin Kaepernick. We know it’s legit since he wears the jersey and everything.
9) Macaulay Culkin — Pre addiction. Or post. Whatever.
REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni
(10) Hillary Clinton — If you got to #10 and didn’t expect me to nominate our girl HRC, take a lap, buddy. She’s such an obvious choice for so many reasons. Ratings, politics, a sense of humor similar to that of a styrofoam doggy bag, the list goes on. Plus, with her book tour over, she needs something else to do. Being prez at ESPN will at least give the illusion that she’s busy.