Is It Anti-American To Hate Shower Beers?

David Hookstead | Reporter

A fierce debate has broken out about whether or not shower beers are acceptable, and I won’t tolerate dissent.

Shower beers are not only acceptable, but it’s anti-American to be against them. Let’s just lay out the facts, shall we? Taking a steamy shower is awesome, especially if there is a babe involved, and drinking beers is always great.

We didn’t storm the beaches of Normandy, fight a Civil War and beat the British so that people could tell me that I’m not allowed to suck down beers in the shower. You know who probably is also very much against drinking beers in the shower? North Korean and other communist dictators.

I have a very specific formula for my shower beers. I put them in the freezer for about half an hour before the shower, steam up the bathroom, put one on the towel rack and the other in the shower. Obviously, I switch them out once I finish with the first one.

Why do I do it this way? It’s very simple. Having it sit in the freezer for half an hour gets the beer to a near slushy level. This sounds crazy but it’s not. The shower steam then brings the temp of the beer just above freezing. This gives you plenty of time to drink your beer. If you just take a cold one from the fridge, it’ll be warm in a matter of minutes. To quote Denzel Washington, “I’m surgical with this b*tch.”

In closing, feel free to get the hell out of this country if you hate shower beers. There’s no room for you among us.

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David Hookstead

Reporter

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