Ladies and gentlemen, the 4th of July is Thursday, and it’s time for me to give all of you my official party guide.
As you know, any birthday party is a big deal. America’s birthday party is the biggest deal imaginable because we’re the greatest country to ever exist, and it’d be a shame if you didn’t celebrate appropriately.
Let’s dive right into how you should officially celebrate the big day.
Step 1: Plan ahead.
I can’t stress this enough. The last thing you want to be doing Thursday morning is running around trying to get all your gear together. As of Wednesday night, all your food and beer should be locked in loaded in place. Speaking of locked and loaded, go ahead and sleep with a loaded AR-15 right next to your bed Wednesday night. This will ‘send’ into Thursday with the proper pro-America mental state.
Step 2: Start the 4th with a nice shower beer.
As soon as you get up on the 4th of July, hit the shower and crack a beer. After all, this is America’s birthday we’re talking about. You know who didn’t crack a beer to celebrate Independence Day? The Axis Powers in WWII and we all know how that ended for them.
Grab yourself a cold beer, head to the shower, get a nice steam going, hammer your beer (or two) and start the day off on correct foot. A nice shower beer to start the 4th of July will get you in the perfect spirit and get the juices flowing to celebrate.
Step 3: Big breakfast with patriotic music loudly playing throughout the house.
This is a big one. You’ve got a long day of drinking ahead of you, and that means you need to fuel up. Start your day with some eggs, lots and lots of bacon, a firm cup of black coffee and some sausage. While cooking, you’re going to want to have a great playlist blasting throughout the house full of patriotic hits. Give me Toby Keith, George Strait, John Denver and anybody else in the spirit. This will set the tone for the day, and a hearty breakfast filled with inspirational music is exactly what you need.
Step 4: Eat your breakfast while watching awesome war movie clips.
This is a huge step. If you fail at this step, then you might as well just pack it in. After drinking some coffee while cooking breakfast, grab another beer, get your food, head to the couch and fire up some iconic war scenes.
I’m talking all the hits. You should have “Band of Brothers,” “Black Hawk Down,” “Red Dawn,” “Independence Day,” “We Were Soldiers” and more ready to go.
Luckily for all of you, I’m putting a video below that should cover all your bases for this one if you need help.
Step 5: Assemble your pregame crew.
Much like all the points above, this is also an important step that can’t be missed. Get some guys over to enjoy some adult refreshments and get your spirits high before you head out for the day. The quality of crew is going to determine what type of day you have. It’s imperative you don’t screw this up. Otherwise, you’re not in for a fun time.
Step 6: Head to the main party, especially if there is a pool.
We’re now into the meat of the day. In the early afternoon, head over to your main party for the day. There are a couple things you’re going to want to look for in your main party. You’re going to want a pool, some good food options, lots of booze and plenty of hot women.
Now, you can help here in a big way by bringing booze and food. Don’t be the kind of jackass who shows up empty handed. A case of beer and some kind of minor food option is always a great start.
Personally, I’ve got 30 Miller Lites ready to go and I’ll have the food when it’s necessary. It’s the right thing to do and it guarantees you get what you want while there.
Once there, get the food going, keep the booze flowing and hit up the pool (more on this later).
Step 7: Have your talking points ready.
This is insanely important. The 4th of July is the one day of the year you can brag about America nonstop and it’s encouraged. You should have a dozen talking points ready to go.
My favorites, and I use them every year, is the Battle of the Bulge and the killing of Osama Bin Laden. You’re going to want to casually work these into conversations, especially with foreigners, so that everybody is being constantly reminded how awesome America is. There’s no such thing as overdoing it on the 4th of July.
These can be super easy to flex into the convo. For example, a guy spills a little ketchup? What a mess. Kind of like when we shot Bin Laden in the head. Your beer is cold? Let me tell you about how cold it was during the Battle of the Bulge when America smoked the Nazis! You’re feeling a bit high? Not as high as America when we went to the moon.
See, these should just roll off the tongue. It’s really not hard, and women love this kind of stuff, which leads me into my next point.
Step 8: The women.
Nothing gets women going like the sight of the American flag, fireworks and freedom. The 4th of July is like prom for them, but this time it’s actually cool.
The good news for those of you at a pool party, there’s likely going to be bikini-clad women everywhere. Remember step seven? This is a perfect time to grab a few drinks, introduce yourself, work in some of those pro-America fun facts and get to work.
You’d have to be borderline braindead to not do well with members of the opposite sex on Independence Day. Liberate them from their boring lives like we liberated Baghdad and show them a good time. Our founding fathers didn’t fight at Valley Forge so that you could ignore women on the 4th of July. Don’t disrespect George Washington. Go say “hello” to that smoke show in a skimpy bikini, and make sure she knows the specifics of all the different landing zones on D-Day while you’re at it.
Step 10: Water.
If you mix in a water during the 4th of July, you’re an absolute clown. It’s that simple.
Step 11: Fireworks
We’re now at the main event. You’re going to want to have these things primed and ready to go. I feel like I have to say this and put it on the record, don’t mix booze and explosives. Let the sober people deal with them.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you’re going to want a wide variety of fireworks, but the mortars are the best.
They shoot up super high, are bright and loud. They’re also a perfect way to squeeze in some more pro-America comments. When they’re blowing up the sky, feel free to drop a line about how this reminds you of Iraq circa 2003 when the USA started our bombing campaign. Again, guys, these should just be rolling off the tongue all day.
Step 12: Pack it in and call it a victorious day.
By this time of the day, you’re getting pretty tired, you’re drunk and it’s time to prepare to get back to the grind on Friday like our founding fathers would have wanted. Hopefully, you’ve found a woman by this point and will be extending the night’s schedule with some extracurricular activities.
If not, drink one more beer with your boys, head home and call it a day.
There it is, folks. That’s the David Hookstead official guide to a proper 4th of July celebration. Now, get ready for Thursday and make us all proud.